Speaker 1 (00:00):
Here. All right. Hello. Today we have Hannah with us. Hannah's a sex and intimacy coach, also known as the Libido Fairy. She specializes in helping low libido women unlock deeper connection and pleasure in their relationships. With a background in somatic therapy, trauma-informed coaching, and holistic healing, Hannah empowers her clients to embrace their desires, communicate openly and cultivate a thriving intimate life. Her work has transformed the lives of hundreds of women, including mine, helping them break through blocks to experience more playful, passionate and fulfilling relationships. Hi, Hannah.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
That was so nice. Thank you so much for saying that I've impacted your life as well. That's really so great. So, hi. Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
We're so excited to have you here. Somehow the Instagram Gods led me to you, and your channel is so inspiring, so fun, such a sense of humor behind some of the hard conversations that you're bringing into the world. So yeah, I'm really excited to have you here and have you share your message with the ladies in our community.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
Amazing. I'm here for it. Let's go. Thank you. Yeah,
Speaker 1 (01:20):
So I would love to just kind of hear how did this happen? How did you get into doing this type of work, if you don't mind sharing?
Speaker 2 (01:27):
Yeah, I mean, many women, my early experiences of sex were pretty disappointing. Of course, some people have exciting, wonderful, fantastic first experiences with sex. For me, that definitely wasn't the case. I didn't have any education, didn't know what I was doing. The first relationship I had was very emotionally abusive, and so the sex we were having was pretty non-consensual. And the first few years of my sexual experiences really felt like they were for other people and not for me. I received validation and I received them liking me, but I didn't receive pleasure from those experiences. I didn't have an orgasm until I was 26 or 26. And yeah, sex was always something that felt something that was for other people, almost something I could trade instead of something that was mine. And so after many years of experiences like that, I was in a relationship where the beginning of the relationship was amazing, super hot, super exciting.
(02:49):
And then within months of that relationship, I lost interest in sex. And we were together for years, almost three years, and we were at a point in our relationship where he had asked my parents if he could marry me. And I just knew that that wasn't going to work. And a lot of it had to do with the way that we were relating to each other intimately. And around that same time, because we'd been dealing with this strain on our relationship and our intimacy for a very long time, we decided, oh, let's try opening our relationship because we live in Austin, Texas. And there's a lot of, around that time there were a lot of Aubrey Marcus coming out about his open relationship and some people around us that were doing it and we're like, oh, this could be a great solution for us. And it just completely exploded our relationship.
(03:45):
And the ending of that relationship really was a wake up call for me to explore this area of my life and figure it out because I knew that I've always just been so driven by love. And I knew that if I was going to have the kind of long-term relationship that I really wanted to have, which was one that had so much affection and passion and connection, but was also safe and stable, I really had to figure out what was going on with me and sex. And so yeah, I spent two years after that relationship ended just devouring everything that I could about sex, having so many of my own experiments and experiences around sex, doing all of the things and learning so much from so many amazing teachers in the space. And I shared so much of that on social media while I was doing it too. Yeah, so that's really what's brought me here because in the sharing of that, it was so apparent that so many people other than me experienced similar things. And I really found a passion for sharing and helping people in this space. And so it's just been an incredible last five years now in this space helping people. And I just love it. It's the best. I'm so fulfilled by my work. It's like the joy of my entire life.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
Isn't it wild how something like that, the joy of your entire life can come out of something not great, not comfortable, kind of painful, a lot of learning, but where it has led you is so inspiring and also so brave of you to just be willing to share your journey as you're going through this. We really don't have that many role models that many women to look to who are even having open conversations about this. There's a lot of shame and guilt as you know around the whole experience in itself. And we hear a lot of things like, this is the trajectory of life as a woman, this is what it's going to look like. You're playing these types of roles, but then there's no conversation around what about our pleasure? What does that look like for us in a long-term relationship? Because it is not the same in other forms of relationship. And yeah, there's so few people having the conversation. So it was really refreshing to find you and see your work and just the humor and lightness that you bring, but also the education as well. And I think that education is so important because it is a salve to that shame and guilt that we can feel in our own experience.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
Totally, totally. Because that was, I think, I really think that if all women really understood how to give themselves pleasure, how to ask for the things that they want sexually, how to understand how their body works, how to connect with their body and listen to it and advocate for it, the entire world would be better because of that. Truly.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Absolutely. I mean, I'm primarily as work with a population of women who are dealing with severe premenstrual symptoms. And within that population, again, there's so much like put everyone else first. I can't put my needs first. I can't take care of myself. That's selfish. And that's just basic needs. Are you eating? Are you drinking water? Are you going to the bathroom when you need to? We're not even getting into just the cherry on top, which we consider it pleasure, when really it's an integral part of our wellbeing. It's not this thing that we can opt out of and not have and think we're still going to live a fulfilling life. It's so sad
Speaker 2 (07:30):
For sure. Yeah, unfortunately, I meet a lot of women who stumbled upon my page and they believe that there's this myth that they believe that they're just not a sexual person or they might be asexual. I'm like, girl, no. You just have never learned how your body works and how to actually enjoy intimacy with yourself and with other people.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Education is such a bridge, and that's something that really is at the forefront of your work. So maybe we can bust some myths here to start out around or dive into some facts. I'm not sure where we should start really, but I think that education is always a great place to start because it opens the door to self-understanding, it opens the door to acceptance, and like I said, kind of is a sav over that shame and guilt that we can feel. And really, I mean, getting into the education was life-changing for me. Even in my experience with premenstrual symptoms in the context of sex, learning about tumescence, learning about responsive versus spontaneous desire. It was just such a relief to feel like I'm not a broken person, this is just how my body works. But no one told me that along with lots of other things. So what are some of the things that you learned in your journey that shifted the script for you?
Speaker 2 (08:59):
One of the biggest things was around believing. So there's a myth perpetuated by the porn industry and what we see in media, which is that women, if they are turned on, they should be immediately wet. And if they like someone, they should be immediately turned on and aroused and what that should look like. And that is just the image that's portrayed is just 0% realistic. Maybe if you're like 15 and just freshly overflowing with hormones, which is wonderful, like yay for puberty. But that's not the reality of maturation in a woman's body. And so the antithesis of that or how it actually works is that in a woman's body or really in anyone's body in sexuality, there's two systems at work when it comes to turning on. There is something called a sexual inhibition system and something called a sexual excitation system. And we can think of this as accelerator and brakes or turn on and turn off.
(10:15):
That's the exciting or the inhibiting. And though they're happening at the same time. And so most of us, when we start to get excited or turn on what's happening is for the most part, the turnoffs have been turned off. So the inhibitions are lowered and the excitement is higher. The things that turn us on are higher, but everyone has a different combination of sensitivity in their accelerator and their breaks, and that changes over the course of your life as well. So sometimes what will happen is maybe you're fatigued or maybe you haven't eaten that day, or maybe you're depressed or highly anxious, or maybe your parents are in the next room. Any number of things you could be doing, all of the things that usually work to turn you on to hit the excitement buttons. But if the things that turn you off are happening at the same time, there's nothing that is going to actually get you excited.
(11:15):
So that learning, that was such a light bulb moment for me because I was like, oh, actually, if I really want to get turned on, what would work better is if I just take away the things that are pushing down my breaks that are inhibiting me. And so I think that perspective shift is massively supportive to think about, okay, what really inhibits me? Is it the dirty laundry? Is it my stress levels? Is it something in the relationship dynamic? Is it that I don't feel supported or seen by my partner or appreciated by them? Or is it we're too close? There's ification the relationship or too much closeness? And when you think about, okay, what are all of these things that hit my brakes? You can massively change your ability to get turned on by doing that, which is not talked about.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
Yeah, I mean, I think we just so often jump to the relationship is the problem or on the problem, or they're the problem, my partner. And it reveals such a lack of education there because there's a lot of complexity to this that we just haven't been made aware of. And it's so damaging to the relationship when you're turning on the relationship and it's like, okay, well I must not love them enough, or there's something wrong with our relationship rather than there's something wrong with the dynamic of the situation that is inhibiting my ability to feel the way I want to feel in this scenario. And it also, something else I wanted to bring up that I'm sure you encounter all the time, and I'm curious to hear your take on this. I know you talk about this in different contexts, but how media, and I mean of course porn is an aspect of that, but even just regular media impacts our perception of what intimacy looks like, what a relationship looks like. Obviously that turn on and being automatically turned on. I mean, in any sex scene, it's like one second of kissing and then sex is started, and that's just not realistic. So obviously we've debunked that, but the other aspects of kind of misconstruing what intimacy over the long-term looks like because it never really is portrayed in that cinematic sense. And I think a lot of us just naturally and unconsciously base our relationships off what we see in media, and it's kind of a detriment.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Right? For sure, for sure. Actually, there's two big ones that I think are really, really critical to understand. One is around penetration and one is around the energetic of the relationship. So I'm telling you this so that you remember to remind me to come back to both of them. So around penetration, that is basically the only sex that is shown in media. It's like this is the fireworks, penetration is the peak, penetration is the main event, and it's penis and vagina, and that's what you should do, and you should look like you're really, really, really enjoying it by moaning these crazy moans and breathiness and have an orgasm every time from penetration, 85% of women cannot have an orgasm from penetration alone.
(14:43):
Just mic drop that for a second, because I could get into a whole bunch of anatomy stuff around this, but I won't. Essentially, the equivalent is like a woman only receiving penetration with absolutely no additional clitoral stimulation is the equivalent of just playing with a man's balls and expecting him to have an orgasm. It might feel good, it might be nice, but it's not going to hit the same buttons that would be hit around the shaft or around the tip of the penis, which is the same tissue that is in the clitoris, and even more nerve endings in the clitoris specifically. So I highly recommend if you are listening to this and watching this to do a little anatomy lesson, Google do some Googling about the literate and
Speaker 1 (15:40):
Oh, sorry, there's a delay.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
You've got one.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
Yeah, I'm going to pull it out because for those of you here, I feel like you should see this. And if you're watching on YouTube, I should have grabbed this before we started, but again,
Speaker 2 (15:55):
Mic drop. Yes, here we go.
Speaker 1 (15:57):
Yeah, if you haven't taken an anatomy lesson, this is what we see. This is what we think we're dealing with here. This is the clitoris really in dissection. This is actually the,
Speaker 2 (16:12):
It's so big.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
Obviously this is a little bit bigger probably than anatomically correct, but that's really what's under the surface of what we see.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
Yes. So we'll give a little pleasure anatomy lesson here. I'll show you with my fingers here. So what is going to be most pleasurable for most vulva owning bodies is stimulating the labia on where the bulbs, legs of the clitoris are. So pressure here on the outside of, on the labia, obviously stimulating that tip that is extend the clitoris. The clitoral tip has a hood. Sorry if my internet's a little bit laggy, I really apologize for that. If you pull back the hood, there's that really beautiful, wonderful tissue right there. For some women that's like direct stimulation of the clal tip. It's really overwhelming. That's super normal. You can stimulate all around on the outside. Pressure is really, really nice. Rocking, grinding, those are really, really good for making contact and supporting that stimulation. And then right inside. So shallowing is a technique where you essentially use either a toy, a finger, or a tip of a penis to rub right around right inside of the vaginal opening. The first one to two inches are going to have the most nerve endings because of the clitoris and the legs on how it is sits behind the labia. So those are going to be the fastest routes to pleasure on a vulva and typically not penetration. So expanding just the repertoire of what is possible I think is really important as far as what will give a vulva. Owning person's body excitement and pleasure is very different than what will give a penis owning body pleasure. And that's fine. That's totally good.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
Yeah, that anatomy lesson is so key because how many of us have been living for decades thinking, why can't I have an orgasm with penetration? What's wrong with me? And then not even getting into your partner and their lack of education around this as well, and their disappointment in their pleasure that they're able to provide you thinking that that's going to do the trick. It's just, yeah, we need a new frontier of education for women and pleasure and an embrace of that because it really does, it reverberates out into all other aspects of our communities in our lives. If we experience more pleasure, I mean, without getting into the physiological effects of the benefits of that, even just the release of stress that we're going to be experiencing and just turning towards more pleasure overall. So
Speaker 2 (19:20):
Thanks for that. There was another, yes, the other half of that, as far as media portrayal of relationships goes, there's a huge discrepancy between what's displayed as far as long-term relationship success in media and what's real, what's realistic. So in media, basically the only options that you're really shown are the resentful wife that just kind of picks on her husband and demeans him, and they have a sexless marriage or someone's cheating on someone in the marriage. There just isn't, I don't see really anywhere a portrayal of really loving, connected, intimate, affectionate, sustainable relationship at all. Or movies just end when they get married. It's like, that's the ending. They get married, yay. I'm like, who knows what happens after? And then in the other movies it's like, oh, well, they hate each other now and they're getting a divorce. That's what happens. So the misconception is that if you have love, then passion should just happen naturally. Sex should just happen spontaneously. You should just feel this excitement for your partner forever, and the butterflies will always be there. And it's been my experience that that happens when a relationship is toxic, not necessarily when it's safe, stable, reliable, connected, and there's great communication and you feel really secure.
Speaker 1 (21:11):
I'm so glad you're pointing this out both. Yeah, the media portrayal, I mean, that's just comical in a way at a point. It's so frustrating that we just have to laugh about it because how many women are living in marriages and just like, Hey, can we get a representation of what this is supposed to look like? What am I doing here? What's normal? What's not? Nope, none, zero. And then the toxic aspect. So this is something I personally experienced for so long where I thought, oh, this really high quality sex is happening in these scenarios. And then I learned about attachment theory and attachment styles, and then I am married now and I'm in a long-term relationship for the first time, a healthy one because I had such severe premenstrual mood symptoms that my life was like a soap opera for a long time, but kind of recalibrating to reality of the perception on that. Those experiences were fueled by a toxicity that created a passion that is well represented in the media that we see, but again, not reality and that confusion between what is good sex versus what is not, and having to understand that kind of toxic relationship element that drives the passion. Oh, that's hard. There's trauma that comes with that and
Speaker 2 (22:45):
Confusion,
Speaker 1 (22:46):
But it really, it's crazy to get to a point in your life where you're able to look back and see that so clearly of what was really going on here, what was really driving some of that passion, like long distance relationships, open relationships, cheating and lying, and all of this drama. It can fuel the idea and the perception of what is good intimacy, but really it's a lot more to the context in those cases
Speaker 2 (23:16):
For sure. I mean, a lot of the sex that comes out of that feels really exciting and passionate because you feel insecure and the sex is a way to solve the insecurity. It's like, oh, yes, it's so painful because we're a part, and I might lose you tomorrow and you might leave me and dah, dah, dah, and all of this insecurity that's there, that when you're together, it feels like such relief because it's the one moment where you feel like, oh, everything is good here. And that's what really fuels that attachment and excitement and the passion there and how good those chemicals feel is because you're so deprived of the connection and the safety. You're waiting
Speaker 1 (24:02):
On adrenaline.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
Exactly. You're riding on adrenaline and cortisol and a bunch of other chemicals that are not really sustainable or good for your body. And so the difference then of what happens unfortunately, because that is what's represented in the media of like, oh, that's a healthy relationship is one where you feel so passionate about the person and you get butterflies about them, and there's excitement. We start to feel that when we're in a safe and stable relationship, it's boring and it's wrong because it's boring. And especially if you grew up in a home that maybe didn't have very good representations of healthy love, you also feel like that's wrong because you have an internal coding of what love is supposed to look like and what that representation is supposed to look like. And then if you have something different than that that actually is safe and stable, you'll be like, this isn't right. There's something wrong about this. You will sabotage it because you believe that what it's supposed to look like is actually the unhealthy one. So yeah, it sucks.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
I love the depth of this work though. We get in here and we're like, pleasure, intimacy connection, uncover one layer, and it's a lot deeper, a lot deeper than that, and so complex, and it's endless things to talk about, so it's really cool. But I do think that needs to be shouted from the rooftops of this passionate sex that you think is so good can be being fueled by insecurity. And I love that you bring it back to that. Can I get a little personal for a second? I'm curious to hear what you think about this or how much you run into this. I think it's probably a lot more common than I realize, but then moving into that safe space, having a secure relationship and recognizing that it can be harder to be vulnerable and intimate in that context than it was in these more shady, insecure relationship types. That's something that I have encountered in my marriage, and I'm like, I really don't see people talking about this, but I bet that you do.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
Oh, for sure. I mean, the part of what will happen when libido gets low is actually they just have, and I say this all the time, that the women just that are coming to me, they just haven't had really an experience of what true, open, vulnerable, completely heart open, completely surrendered sex is with someone because all of the sex they had in the past, they had walls up and it was like, oh, yeah, this is just a fleeting person. This is not a totally safe situation. It's exciting, but that's really not getting to the depth of what is possible in sex, which is totally vulnerable, true soul connection between two people. And so they're like, well, there's something missing from my sex. I don't know, it's just not that fulfilling or it's just not that exciting. And I'm like, well, it's because you're not willing to really go there.
(27:32):
Well, there's a bunch of things, but part of it is often that they haven't been able to with this person that they love so much, really let down this last layer because they've built a lot of armor up around sexuality. And so yeah, it's scary for sure to be like, okay, this is the last piece of myself that I'm really vulnerably opening up to my partner, and even if we've been together for 10 years, 15 years maybe, I've never really let him see all of me here. So scary, so scary. But on the other side of that is the deepest connection with another human being that you can possibly have. Really?
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Yeah. Why is it so scary? It's like all we want, and then at the same time we're like, this is too much.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
It's just scary because, well, for a few reasons. One, it's scary because we just don't know what it's going to be like, and so the unknown has its own. We have our little system is built for homeostasis, and so when something is unknown, we're like bad. We shouldn't do that because we don't know what's going to happen and we know what's going to happen over here, even if it kind of sucks, we'd rather have this than we don't know what's going to happen. That's really natural to feel just fear of something that you've never experienced before. But I think also pleasure is inherently scary because we don't have really any models in our environment of pleasure that doesn't come with guilt or pleasure, that doesn't come with judgment or shame or pleasure. That doesn't come with reciprocity or expectation. And so there's a fear of it because it's like, oh, well, if I really go deep into that pleasure, something bad's going to happen or I'm going to have to earn it, or something bad might happen afterwards or I'm going to be taken advantage of. There's just so much that can come with that for someone.
Speaker 1 (29:46):
Yeah, this can steamy in here. Okay. I want to circle back because something that was really shocking to me was starting to understand, and we touched on this, but starting to understand the difference between low libido and responsive desire because so often I'm working with women, I myself, I'm like, oh, I have low libido, and then you learn, okay, wait a second. That's not the full story. There's a lot more to this. So talk to us about that.
Speaker 2 (30:22):
Yeah, so I learned probably I would say five years now that there actually are more than one types of the way that desires experienced for people. For some people, the experience of desire seems to come out of the blue, seems to come on really fast. They obviously have very low in sexual inhibition system, and so they get excited really easily, seemingly out of nowhere very quickly. And so that's often referred to as spontaneous desire. The other kind of desire, which is also completely valid, is responsive desire. Responsive desire often looks like requiring some physical stimulation, requiring a certain set of emotional context or environmental context to then build to arousal and then experiencing desire. So the way that one person's body might work could be they experience desire, they're like a mental decision of I want to have sex, and then their body respond, responds with arousal, the physical signs of arousal.
(31:40):
And then for many other women, people, women specifically, like 85% of women experience desire in this way, which is that their body experiences physical arousal first, and then they have a mental desire. They're like, oh, I want to have sex now because my body's turned on, so I want to have sex. But what it takes for them to get to that point of physical arousal is often the right environmental context, the right emotional context or emotional dynamic or physical stimulation, physical pleasure. That's why for many women, they're like, I don't really experience urges for sex, but once I'm there, I love it. We have great sex. It's so awesome, it's so fun, and I'm really turned on, but I don't really, just out of the blue, I'm not really thinking about a sex. And I'm like, okay, great. You probably have a responsive desire that's totally valid and fine. Perfect. So
Speaker 1 (32:37):
Not experiencing the overwhelming urge to have sex that doesn't equal a libido.
Speaker 2 (32:44):
Correct.
Speaker 1 (32:47):
So wild the reality that, oh, actually your body needs to be in a certain state before you want the desire. And I mean, I think everyone here has experienced that at some point, that experience, but no one has ever told us this. There's never been a conversation of, oh, it's normal to not feel like you want it at the drop of a hat, or even in the initiation stage, it might come later. And that's such a hard thing in a marriage to run into too, because you get into the who's initiating more and who's initiating less, and then there can be resentment there, and then there can be a lot of shame and guilt from the partner who's initiating more and they're being turned down when they don't understand that this isn't really about you, this is about my body isn't in a state to yet to make this happen, and that's something I see you talking about a lot. That was such a light bulb moment for me, and it was so refreshing to hear someone say this of instead of the automatic, no, because my body will just be like, no, no, immediately, no, and it's like, okay, just say maybe I don't know exactly the language you use, but that's what my takeaway was, was just like, let's see how this feels and then make a decision rather than this jumping to this automatic no, because your body just, you actually don't know yet what you wanted, what you
Speaker 2 (34:18):
Are ready a hundred percent. Because if my partner comes to me, he is already aroused. He comes to me and he's like, do you want to have sex? In that moment, I had no time to prepare. I had no warmup, no inclination that this was going to happen. My body isn't aroused at all. He's coming to me, do you want to have sex? My answer is always going to be no. In that moment, the answer is no, I don't. But if I know that because I have responsive desire, what's required is actually warming me up and taking time and talking together and laying down and cuddling and just laying together naked and letting my body relax and context switching and giving myself time to do that context switch, then I can actually be in a place where I can answer that question honestly if I want to or not, because I've space to warm up to the idea and feel ready and open. And it's also okay if I get to that point and it's like, okay, well still no. Now I'm actually, I'm warmed up and I'm here and I like being here with you, but the answer is, I don't want to have sex. That has to also be okay if this is what you're going to explore in the relationship.
Speaker 1 (35:34):
Yeah, it's so fun thinking about it more as an exploration because it requires so much education for yourself, and then the reality is it's going to fall on your shoulders to educate your partner about this most likely. And so there's time, there's communication, and all of these things can be challenging when, especially if you have been struggling with intimacy and connection in your relationship, although it can give some footing to why and create some distance between it's the relationship, it's my partner, it's me, and hey, there's more to look at here. Yeah, what did you say? The context switching, just giving yourself the time to move out of your head and more into your body, which is easier, so something done.
Speaker 2 (36:35):
Yeah, definitely. I think so the thing that I recommend for my students, my clients is something called a bridging activity, and you can think of it like you're literally building a bridge between the two contexts between everyday life or mom or businesswoman or employee and lover. Those are two different roles, two different hats, and going immediately from one to the other really doesn't work for most people, for some people totally does. They want to get booked in the middle of the day. Love that for them. For me personally, I'm like, I am in work mode all day and it's going to take me some time to get out of work mode and into intimate partner mode, and so a bridging activity is something that you can do to bridge between those two contexts. So some of the things that I recommend for bridging activities, my favorite is going for a walk.
(37:35):
This is the routine for me and my partner. We go for a walk, we take a shower, and then we lie down together and just cuddle naked skin to skin with no pressure, no rush, and just like, okay, we're just going to lay here for a few minutes and see what happens. And that bridge, that's enough time for me to move through the energy of my day, wash off my day and let that go, regulate my nervous system, and then be in connection and come into connection with him. And so things like massage, dancing walks, talking about your day, showering, washing each other off. Those are all really, really good bridging activities for most people.
Speaker 1 (38:19):
Yeah, I mean, what's coming up for me a lot here is just putting this in the box of self-care. I think a lot of times, or at least I have encountered this now, which is new. We've been married for four years, we've been together for going on our seventh year. It flies by, so I'm losing track, but it can become just another thing on your to-do list, which is so sad and heartbreaking of like, okay, I just got to get this done and have this, let's move on next thing. And that's not good for me. It's not good for my marriage, it's not good for my partner. Really bringing a presence into it of this is a self-care activity where I'm taking the time to make this work for me and make this be an experience that nourishes me rather than just another thing that I have to do. Way different energy there, way different outcome there, and I would love for you to speak onto this. We kind of danced around it a little bit, but more specifically to mess, because that was something else that I learned where it was just like, wow, the time requirement for me to get the most out of this physiologically and in the pleasure sense doesn't quite line up with the timeline of my partner or the reality of what we've seen in media and everywhere.
Speaker 2 (39:52):
Yeah, for sure. So the average American couple sexual experience takes about 12 minutes from start to finish, and for most women's bodies to become ready for comfortable, pleasurable penetration, it's anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes, usually around the 20 minute mark is where you're going to see all of the physiological changes taking place that allow a woman's body to comfortably be penetrated. Now, of course, it doesn't take that long to orgasm. I know every single woman, well, this is not true. Not every woman, many women have had the experience of, let me just stick my vibrator right on my clit and then I can orgasm in two minutes. I'm not talking about time to arousal or time to orgasm. It's time to be ready for comfortable, pleasurable penetration, because what happens is the body self lubricates, the blood flow increases to all of the tissue around the vulva, which is also supportive for increasing pleasure, and the vagina widens and lengthens in size, and so if you have ever had the experience of feeling like there's pain after sex or feeling like you're getting hit inside or your cervix is getting hit or you're uncomfortable in penetration, a lot of times it's because you did not give your body enough time to actually achieve this place, which is able to receive penetration and optimized for receiving penetration.
(41:34):
So yeah, it's wild what the body does if you give it the space and the time that it actually needs to want to be penetrated, and it does. It takes usually around 20 minutes to really achieve that. So yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:50):
Yeah. So 12, what we're getting the full experience versus at least 20, very different really for the outcome of how we're feeling about the whole experience, especially if there's pain, we're not going to look forward to that. We're not going to crave that. We're not going to be open to the initiation over the long term. Something else I see you talk about a lot that I love is kind of busting the myth around scheduling sex isn't sexy.
Speaker 2 (42:21):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (42:22):
Yeah, yeah. Let's talk about such a relief as a avid scheduler.
Speaker 2 (42:29):
Oh my gosh. So the thing that really I think helps shift people's perspective, there's two things that I think helps shift people's perspective around this. One is that most of the time when they say they want sex to be spontaneous, what they really mean is that they want sex to be fun. They want it to be enjoyable. They want it to be an exciting, rewarding experience. That's what they really mean when they say they want it to be spontaneous. They want it to feel fun and exciting. And so I think that shift really helps is you can have fun and an exciting sex that is not necessarily spontaneous or really think about what it is that you want out of it, that you mean when you say, I want it to be spontaneous. And the other piece to it is that at the beginning of your relationship, all of your sex was planned because you would make a date, you'd set up a date and a time to go out, and you knew that you were going to have sex probably because what would you do?
(43:32):
You'd shave your legs, you'd shave your body, you'd wash and make yourself look and smell really good. You'd put on lingerie and build this anticipation and this excitement, and because you knew you were probably going to have sex, and so you had all of this warmup time to this scheduled experience with your partner that had a lot of excitement, anticipation and tension to it and effort put in, and that's the piece that's really missing when it comes to the idea, I think of scheduling sex is that there's no ceremony. There's no ritual, there's no buildup. There's no excitement when most people think about putting sex on the calendar, but you can put sex on the calendar and then get ready for it in a way that feels really good to both you and your partner feels really exciting and build anticipation and makes it special, and it doesn't have to take that much work to do that. You put it on the calendar for a one hour experience, and then in the experience you slow down, you light a candle, you put on music, you maybe do put lingerie on, and before the experience, you do take a shower and wash your body and prep and feel so good and maybe put lotion on.
(44:45):
It's just about bringing intention, really bringing care and ritual into the experience that's going to make scheduling sex feel really good. There's one more piece actually that I think is important to add on this is that I actually don't typically recommend to schedule sex to look a certain way. I think when most people think of scheduling sex, what they meet, what they think that, I mean when I say that is scheduling penis and vagina penetration. Again, that's not how we're defining sex in this conversation. What I mean when I say schedule sex is scheduling time to be in sexual energy with your partner, and that can literally look like so many things. It can look like giving a sexy massage. It can look like dry humping. It can look like making out. It can look like you receive oral and then nothing else happens. It can look like you're just sexy dancing together.
(45:42):
You give your partner a lap dance and that's it. There's just so many ways that that can look, and so really what I recommend is building a list, a menu of options that you can explore when you get to your scheduled time. Similar to a restaurant, you set a reservation at a restaurant, but you don't order in advance the food you're going to eat on Friday. You're like, no, I want to go to this restaurant on Friday, but then when I get there, I'm going to decide if I want hot dogs or hamburgers. That's a terrible, the food choices were bad, but I'm going to choose when I get there based on my mood and my energy levels and my hunger levels, what I actually want to have when I'm there. And so I think that's really also an important component to this is make a list of all of the things that you could have that would feel emotionally connecting and intimate and sexy and fun with your partner, and then when you get there, make a decision about how you actually feel and what you want in that moment.
Speaker 1 (46:42):
Such an amazing tip, Hannah. Love that you broke it down like that too. Really reframing in a lot of mindset work around shifting the idea of sex, really more to intimacy and connection, which can encompass a lot of different things, and ultimately it will make your sex better, but yeah, sex isn't just the penis and vagina action here or penetration in general. It's so much more than that, and especially when we're talking long-term relationships and the health of our bodies. We need that intimacy. We need that connection, and it's just everything you're offering and everything you're bringing into the conversation is such a refreshing, such a breath of fresh air of you don't have to be a different person. You don't have to change your relationship, a little bit of mindset work, a little bit of education, and you can have a much more fulfilling life overall when you start to do this as we're seeing this quite deep work.
Speaker 2 (47:44):
Yes, definitely. Yeah, I mean, I really think really, so much of it is about education. It's about understanding. It's not just about education, about sex either. It's like education on your body, really taking the time to become a student of what makes my body feel good, what makes my body feel open, what makes my body feel delighted, and really building the skill of listening to that and trusting that and following that and allowing yourself to have that. And I really, really believe that if we consistently do the things that bring us joy, bring us closer to ourselves, give us pleasure, and also simultaneously make us feel proud of ourselves if we optimize for that, can't go wrong really in that.
Speaker 1 (48:38):
Yeah. I'm wondering, because you've been doing this work for a while, what are some surprising outcomes that you're seeing with your students that maybe you didn't expect when you started doing this work?
Speaker 2 (48:53):
Well, it's funny because I think these outcomes are surprising to them. They're not surprising to me because I went through it and I know, but I think some of the outcomes that really surprised by students are things like, oh, they just started making more money in their job all of a sudden because they value themselves more and they're asking more clearly for what they want, and they're communicating more transparently at their work and holding themselves with more confidence and outcomes. They just feel more at ease around their friends. They feel like they can be more authentically themselves and just can say things without second guessing themselves or analyzing themselves. I think stuff like that where it's more of a downstream ripple effect of the relationship that gets built with yourself as a result of learning yourself sexually, that is always very surprising to the students.
(49:55):
But to me, I'm like, well, duh, of course we're doing that because yeah, the way that I approach sex is not just like, okay, just try this game or try this toy, or, I think it's just so much deeper than that, and the service that we are providing is much deeper than that because we want to really help people at the core feel connected to themselves and their bodies and be their best advocate. That's really what we're doing, and the byproduct of that is they get healthier, happier, more connected relationships and better sex, but they also walk away with true self-trust and confidence and in love, real love for themself from the actions that they take, not just from words that they say. So yeah,
Speaker 1 (50:51):
That's so exciting and beautiful. It is a health journey, and anytime you go on a health journey, the goal is like, I want to feel better. I want this situation to be better, but you can't really see the full picture of what's going to come out of it, but to be on the other side and to see, yeah, you're going to be more going to be better at communicating, you're going to trust yourself more. Those obviously are going to be byproducts out of you healing your relationship with sex, intimacy connection, but you can't start there, right? You have to take the path, see where it leads you. Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (51:25):
Yeah, totally.
Speaker 1 (51:27):
Well, it has been so fun chatting with you, Hannah. It's been such a gift to have you here. Thanks for all the work that you're doing, all the education and awareness and hope really that you're bringing and into the world and helping us all feel like we have somewhere to turn when we're struggling with these things. Where can all of the ladies in our community find you and can you tell us a little bit more about how you are working to what services and how you're working to help provide support in this
Speaker 2 (51:58):
Area? Totally. I mean, I think for anyone that's interested in learning more in this, just Instagram and YouTube are the two places where I spend the a boat to the libido ferry, no space at capitals, anything like that. It's just the libido ferry, and I provide a lot. Yeah, I mean, I do so much free education work and workshops and stuff like that, and if you want into my world, I would just start there. Really.
Speaker 1 (52:33):
Seriously, it's so fun. It's so fun. It's so fun. Totally love. Yeah, for sure. Well check out Hannah at the libido ferry. You will not be disappointed when you head over to her YouTube and Instagram channels, and thank you so much again for being here. Was it a light chatting with you and hope to speak again?
Speaker 2 (52:56):
Yeah, thanks so much, Jess.
Speaker 1 (52:58):
See you. Bye.
